Names and Numbers
by Raven Ehtar
Summary: Sometimes sanity just starts to slip away... Preview for "What's My Name?" Spoilers for Death Note: Another Note. Rated for dark themes and disturbing images. One-shot. WMN? arc.


_**A/N:**__ Oh, Beyond Birthday, my beautiful raven-haired killer. I promise, you are always first in my stained little heart, I'm sorry you have been left alone so long. Please forgive me…_

_What? I have issues, okay? So, I'm sure everyone has heard about the fic __What's My Name?__ at least once out of me. The BB fic that is all but written, with dialogue and outlines all sketched… but the feel for has left me. Yeah, that one. Well, completely bored at work one day, a little of it finally came back, and this is what resulted. I literally just typed this up in about 45 minutes. I'm sure you'll be able to tell._

_So, consider this a little preview into what I have planned for __WMN?__ The style is completely different, but the attitude is about the same. _

_Oh, and this is BB spinning off the edge of sanity, so be prepared for a little… crazy. _

_**Warning:**__ Spoilers for __Death Note: Another Note__._

_**Disclaimer:**__ I own nothing! I'm a sham!_

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Names and Numbers

Raven Ehtar

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You're dead, you know.

There's nothing to you. The things you do, the words you say… it's all empty. It's all useless. Nothing but air.

Want to know how I know? I can see it. I can see the truth of these things hovering over your head, following you wherever you go. It's there, right there, if you could just see it. A gentle glowing shadow, waiting for its chance to prove that your existence is worthless. It is, you know. Worthless. Worthless and pointless. People struggle so hard to achieve this goal, or attain that title, when just above us is what we all come to in the end:

Death.

We all have the same fate; we all arrive at the same destination, eventually. Everything in between is just… filler.

Names and numbers and numbers and names… constant proof that we will all die, all will come to nothing.

Except for me. I have a name, which nobody but me has ever known, but the part that proves my mortality is missing. My numbers, those morbid little characters that tell me exactly how long anyone has to live, I don't have them. Does that mean that I'm immortal; a blood-eyed demon never meant to die, but witness the world failing and rotting around him?

No. No no no no no no no no no no. More like, I am already dead. Already dead, my glowing vital sign snuffed out, and I watch as others slowly approach closer to me, to join me in death. Only my name remains, cursing me to some kind of perverted half-life. Walking, talking, breathing… but not quite human.

…

Names and numbers and numbers and names and names and names and names and names…

What name do _you_ see when you look at me? When you look at my face, when you look in my eyes, what name comes to mind? B, Backup, BB, Beyond Birthday, Rue Ryuzaki…

… L?

Is that what you see when you look at me, L, your own name? I look like you, don't I, you narcissistic bastard? I spend time every morning making sure that I look as like to you as possible, even using those stupid colored contacts you gave me. I worked hard as I grew up in that hell-hole to adopt every one of your ludicrous mannerisms, your little 'quirks' that make you so unique. I even took on your taste for sweets. But that's not why _your_ name is over _my_ head, is it, L?

I'm a copy. Just a copy copy copy copy _copy_.

There's no person inside me, except for what _you_ installed, is there? No trait or thought or skill that wasn't deliberately implanted for your own selfish reasons.

Nothing nothing nothing.

Ha.

If I am you, you are me. If we are each other, then whatever you do, I should know, right? Whatever I do, you will feel…

Did it feel good, L? Did you like how it felt to choke the life out of someone, to feel the cartilage in their throat strain and creak and snap? Did it make you shiver as we beat the life out of that little girl, and crushed her slick eyes in our hands? Did you manage to wash away the stains, after we butchered the woman? There was so much blood, L, remember? The smell of it a kind of sickeningly sweet mixed with metallic copper, it would stick in the back of our throat. It was like a candy penny.

Heh. A chocolate coin, L.

Ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

…

We don't laugh very well. Maybe because we're not really happy.

…

I am you, you are me, I am you, you are me.

You know what I see when I look at you, L? I see your name, clear as day. The name that you've hidden away from the world where no one would ever think to look: right in front of them. L _is_ your name. L Lawliet. What I see is someone who has spent his entire life ducking and weaving away from whatever it is that he doesn't like, that it's become his nature, no 'second' about it. What I see is a liar. You say that you have never revealed your name, but L is your name. 'L' is a lie that everyone accepts, because you tell them that it's a lie, but it's not. It's truth, masquerading as lie, which makes it even more a lie.

L is for Liar.

And B is for Betrayal.

What do I see when I look at you? I see myself, but I see your name hovering above me.

Maybe that's why I worked so hard to be like you, to become you in every way possible. The idea that maybe, if we became so close to each other, I could mesh myself with you. Our skins would melt together, our identities would become one, and then when we looked in the mirror, there would be no lie to what we saw: the same face, and the same name. You see me, I see you, and we both see our name: L Lawliet.

And our numbers. I would have numbers at last.

No more copy, but a perfect Backup.

Didn't you want that too, L?

Or was it all another lie?

Lie lie lie lie lie…

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_**A/N2:**__ Oh, that felt good to write. I love the Wammy boys to death, (sometimes literally), but Beyond… it just makes me shiver when I can get into his head._

_Again, this is just a little preview into what I have planned for the big fic. A lot of what BB mentions here I'll be using in the story, so if you're curious… heh. Gotcha! _

_If you can, listen to the tunes 'Lonely Souls' by UNKLE and 'Sanitarium' by Metallica. They are my inspiration, and amazing for BB._


End file.
